Are you ready for some National Football League?

So football starts this Sunday. Actually, it started last night, but there’s something kind of lame about football starting on a Thursday, so let’s pretend it starts on Sunday.

Earlier this year I made the executive decision to not have a fantasy football team for the first time this century, and I’m 180% happy with my decision. Fantasy football drives me nuts. Every year one team is done because one of the 15 "best" players inevitably suffers a season-ending injury in week one. In fantasy baseball, at least you have a 24 man team to make up for the loss of a big gun. In fantasy football you’re pretty much screwed.

There’s also the fact that in 2004 I had the best team BY FAR in my league and then in week one of the playoffs Shaun Alexander had his worst game of the year and Terrell Owens broke his leg. Not that I’m still bitter or anything. Or am I bitter that the following week my team scored more points than any other team all season. Hooray for fantasy football!

I am doing an NFL "Pick ’em" pool at work, which will give me reason to spend Sundays yelling at the TV like every other American this fall. So at least I’ve got that going for me. But those games I’ll take week-by-week. Other than that, I’ve done precious little preparing for the season. No NFL Live, no football reading…I just haven’t wanted to care.

With that said, it’s time for me to make some BOLD predictions about the season. Considering I know nothing about the league, who cares if I’m wrong? And if I’m right? How ’bout that…

AFC EAST

1. Patriots
Not because they’re so great anymore, but because the competition doesn’t seem that stiff.

2. Bills
It’s cold up there!

3. Dolphins
Speaking of stiff, did you watch Culpepper’s debut last night?

4. Jets
Another reason I hated fantasy football? 55-year-old Curtis Martin ALWAYS came up huge against me, costing me 4-5 wins the last few years.

AFC North

1. Steelers
Why pick against the champs?

2. Bengals
Why pick against the (former) chumps?

3. Ravens
Real men do NOT wear purple.

4. Browns
Browns? Reds? Why aren’t Ohioans more creative?

AFC South

1. Jaguars
Always liked the cars.

2. Colts
Blah, blah, blah.

3. Titans
I really, really, really don’t like college football, but Vince Young’s performance in the Rose Bowl was one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

4. Texans
Blah, blah, blah.

AFC West

1. Chiefs
I feel like they go 10-6 or 9-7 every year.

2. Chargers
You stay classy San Diego.

3. Broncos
You stay bearded Jake Plummer.

4. Raiders
Though I feel like the super-quiet Randy Moss will have a 2,000 yard season.

NFC East

1. Cowboys
You might not want to invite him over for tea, but Terrell Owens is pretty good…

2. Eagles
…and the Cowboys will only win if Owens makes it out of Philly alive this season.

3. Giants
I don’t know football, but I know baseball. And Tom Coughlin seems to be football’s Buck Showalter. That works almost never.

4. Redskins
Not without Coach Janky Spanky at 100%.

NFC North

1. Lions
It’s about time, isn’t it?

2. Bears
They’ll probably finish in first, but in case the Lions are good, I wanted to say "I told you so, even though I know very little about football."

3. Vikings
Third place? You betcha.

4. Packers
Just retire, Brett. Please. You and Clemens need to leave us alone.

NFC South

1. Panthers
As far as I know they’re the only professional sports franchise whose name in Spanish can double for a heavy metal band.

2. Falcons
One of these years it will be their year.

3. Bucs
Third place doesn’t sound great, but on the bright side, it’s higher than the Devil Rays will ever finish.

4. Saints
Would love to pick them to finish higher, but barring an injury to Cadillac Williams or Michael Vick, it won’t happen.

NFC West

1. Seahawks
Though their QB’s sister-in-law needs to shut the uck-fay up.

2. Cardinals
Sure, why not.

3. Rams
A city not know for a plethora of Rams. But then again, neither was Los Angeles.

4. 49ers
I can name two people on the team. And I’m pretty sure they’re tight end’s name is Brent, but then again whose isn’t?

AFC Title Game: Cheifs over Steelers
NFC Title Game: Panthers over Cowboys
Super Bowl: Panthers over Chiefs

And if that’s not remotely correct, just remember: I have no idea what we’re yelling about.

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One comment

  1. seanrichardson718@yahoo.com

    So far you’re right about the Bills. But Ray Lewis might beg to differ with the purple prose in your AFC North prediction.

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